Your Friendly Philosopher & Guide: Corporate Gyaan Archives

November 18, 2006

The post 40 IT syndrome!

With just 3 years of experience and at the age of 25, I used to make more money than my neighbour who at the age of 45 used to make after some 15-20 years of experience in a nationalised bank. This of course doesn’t make me more intelligent or smarter than him, but it is just that the industry (dot com) I chose was new, which demanded more youngsters who possessed the latest Internet skills.

There are pros and cons in both the work industries. In the conventional industry, you know where your job starts and where it ends, you know the time frame for getting promoted or to get a salary hike, you know whom you should report to, and there is nothing new you need to think or do or suggest everyday to prove your presence felt. The pressure is less, and life is kind of planned well!

In the modern IT industry – most of the times you don’t know where you job starts and where it ends and when & at what time it ends, you will never know when you will be promoted, when you will be demoted, or when you will be sacked, you never know whom to report and whom you should not, and you need to give new ideas everyday, and push yourself to prove your presence felt. The pressure is more, and the life is never planned.

If money & a better life style are the only criteria then choosing the latter industry is a better option. But if you want to have a healthy, long & stress free life then choosing the former industry is a better idea.

Recently I spoke to an unmarried 32- year-old IT guy who earns 50 k a month. I asked him what is your savings in your bank he said 40 k, I asked him what is your investments – he said nil. And I spoke to a married banker with 2 kids with 20 years of experience making 18 k a month. He said he has 4 lakhs in the bank, has invested in 2 flats, has invested in 2 children, and is looking forward for a retirement with a handsome PF. Of course there is a major difference in the lifestyle they both lived – which includes the number of times they ate out, the number of times they visited a multiplex or shopping mall, owning a car, and wearing branded garments. But everything else remained the same!

So what is the post 40 IT syndrome I am talking about? Though we think that the IT industry has done a lot for the benefits of the people, it has screwed people’s life equally. First and the foremost it has screwed people’s back – by making them travel in those buses in the name of transport, and secondly they have screwed people’s sleep by making them work in odd hours! Yeah, people enjoy those things when young thinking effort leads to success, but then what if all the money you made is spent on your health related problems later?

These days the people in their 30s, who started their career coding a decade back hate to do the same. They aspire for leadership posts like Project Management, where in they can work less and guide more. There is a strict competition here, and not all who did coding can be project managers, even though the industry is expected to boom multifold in the coming years. Moreover the IT firms prefer to hire younger people, with latest knowledge & expertise than people with experiences. This becomes easier for them as the youngster are hard working, full of energies, and don’t mind taking peanuts as salary.

By the age of 40 the people who took up IT as their career will undergo a major shift in their thought process and lifestyle. They will be unsure about what they need in their life, what they want in their life, and whether they chose a right kind of career in their lives. Money won’t be the criteria – because by that time – they would have understood the uselessness of it. And this particular set of people will move towards spirituality or religiousness in a major way!

Posted by Kenni at 08:55 AM | Comments (0)

May 28, 2006

The art of bargaining salaries in the corporate world – part 2!

Gone are the days of loyalties

Long long ago…may be 20 years back, people used to love flaunting about their loyalties towards the companies they worked for. For them their years of services in a particular firm were like medals on their chest. The more the years one spent in one firm, more the merrier he or she was. The rule of life was get a secured job (mostly a government job), get married, buy a house on instalment, have children, compromise on all personal happiness, ignore family, slog your butt off at work, watch one movie a month, retire with a flower garland, and spend rest of the life thinking did I waste my life?

Things have changed now and loyalties towards a particular firm have died. And it is good that it died. Today the competition is about who gets rid of whom first. Is it the company that sacks the professional due to internal politics, or is it the employee who leaves the company for better option. So the new rule is don’t stick to any firm for long or you will get stagnant. Keep moving every 2 years, and if you stay for more than 2 years in a particular firm – there ought to be something wrong with you. End of the day it is about how much money you made in your life than sitting and talking to your grandchildren about how you had no choice and had to spend 20 years of your life slogging for Satyam or ICICI or MTNL

Always keep your options open

There is no time frame for looking out for a job change. You can shift in the very first month or in the second month or even before you have joined a particular firm. You are worthy for salary bargain only when you have job in hand, so it is better for you to use that power in your favour. None will give you any ghaas had you not had a job in hand. Always be on the look out – and never say NO to a bigger offer or a bigger pay package. There is no such thing called big firm or trust worthy firm – it is just a illusion the corporates create – a good brand is that which pays you well, and a bad brand is that which doesn’t – it is as simple as this.

Jump only if it brings a change in your lifestyle

Don’t jump just because you are bored with the present job. Don’t change companies just because your boss looks ugly or because she has a flat ass. Once you have decided to quit, try giving the people who hate you the toughest time. Attend interviews, and bargain for at least 40 to 50 per cent salary hike. Never say to your new employer that you are unhappy with the present job. Tell them – you can think about shifting only if the money is mouth watering. They will put the ball in your court – asking, so is money your only concern – reply ‘YES’ shamelessly. They will ask another question, what if some other company gives you more money after you join us, will you shift? Again say YES shamelessly. Remember the people who interview aren’t into any kind of social service – they are asking you questions only because they are paid for it.

Just say a plain NO to companies, which offer you 20-30 per cent hike, and which promise to raise your pay after 6 months after analysing your performance. You can very well show them your middle finger and walk off. A 20-30 per cent hike won’t do any good to you monetarily – probably you can watch an extra movie in a Mutiplex with that money.

Don’t mix spirituality with corporate world

Of course there are people who aren’t money minded. There is a particular sect, which never bother about their salary. They work just for the fun of it…if you belong to that sect…then don’t complain or feel bad when your colleague gets a salary hike for dozing off in front of the computer screen. If you feel bad looking at Corporate disparities, then you aren’t spiritual. And if your motto is to work for spiritual growth then corporate world is not your place instead join Aurobindo Ashram at Pondicherry.

For every career you choose, there are defined rules associated with it. If you are a hitman, then you aren’t supposed to have sympathy for human life. The same rule holds true for joining the army too. Similarly to be part the corporate and to survive in the same – you need to learn and understand the Art of Bargaining Salaries in the Corporate World fast.

Posted by Kenni at 12:01 PM | Comments (0)

May 22, 2006

The art of bargaining salaries in the corporate world – part 1!

I was a major flop in the corporate world. Though I never bothered about the money I used to make, as no money could solve all the problems of our lives, still I used to get a lot jealous, when I saw people with less talent, less educational qualification, less potential and less experience being awarded with promotions and more salaries. Of course the first vital reason was being good to your boss and second was to know, “how good are you at bargaining salaries!”

It is so true that we are being conditioned from childhood that you should not crave for power and that you should not be money minded in life. At the same time, when we give examples of successful people, we always choose people like Abdul Kalam who quit being a scientist and moved towards holding a powerful post, and Bill Gates who happens to be the richest man.

Who is more desperate?

I always thought that money wasn’t important in life, and that it was always effort that will lead to success & recognition. Hence in my first interview, when the interviewer asked me about my expected salary, I quoted the bare minimum that will take care of my daily needs - Rs 100 a day, hence Rs 3000 a month. They agreed to offer me a job immediately. I was under the impression that the salary scale is fixed depending on the post they offer and the experience a candidate has. I was clear till I spoke to my colleagues, who were less qualified, and who had less experience too. They were offered 50 times more than me – that was because they joined the company, when the company was desperate, and I joined the company when I was desperate. So the first rule to get a handsome pay pack is to know and understand who is more desperate – you or the company. Your desperation level is considerably less when you already have a job in hand.

Don’t be ashamed to say, “I work ONLY for money”

Though the truth remains that we work ONLY for money, we always feel ashamed to accept it. Who would love to get up early in the morning, to leave the family behind at home or the children at crèche? Who would love to get caught in the traffic during peak hours? Or who would love to hang in the crowded trains for hours to reach the office on time? This remaining the scenario, most corporate will force upon you an idea which would say – money is not everything. You work just for the pleasure of it – bull shit! At office don’t try to portray yourself as a hardworking asshole – it will take you nowhere, portray yourself as a person full of potential, who will show the company his/her middle finger the moment he/she gets a better offer.

To be continued….

*Gone are the days of loyalties
*Always keep your options open
*Jump only if it brings a change in your lifestyle
*Don’t mix spirituality with corporate world

Posted by Kenni at 03:51 PM | Comments (0)

December 21, 2005

The MBAs and the IIMs I met in my life – part 2!

“Education is the manifestation of perfection already present in a man”, said Swami Vivekanand. What does this tongue twisting sentence actually mean? Take for example a rock, and think what could an artist do to it? He will just knock off the unessential parts, and would bring out a beautiful statue that was hidden so far in that nonsensical rock. That is exactly what education has to do to any human being. But the present education system tries only to dump on you all that crappy information, which most of the time proves useless. And how could a mere 2 years of theory classes, and mugging up of past case studies help a MBA to be good manager. To prove your worth you need to get on to the field and compete with the ‘Gujjus’ and the ‘Annachis’, who are born with business knack, and who quit their studies early to handle ‘successful’ businesses. BTW what makes you call yourself a ‘MASTER’ in Business Administration if you could not even open a small ‘potti’ kadai (pan beedi stall), and succeed in running it efficiently!

Two MBAs from the north were recruited in my company, and they were specially taken in to handle a site, which was handled by me for some 6 months. I literally fainted when I heard their take home salaries. It was some 4 times more than what I was making. I had to convince myself that may be they were really talented, hence why would a multi crore company recruit them on the first place. I will name them Mr A and Mr B for convenience sake.

The first day Mr B reached office a bit late, and left early. On asking he said, he was new to the city, and he was staying in a 5 Star Hotel (obviously sponsored by the company), hence he needs time to find a place to reside first. And to be honest that bugger stayed in the same hotel for 3 months, unable to find a home! What kind of manager was he? Just because the company was sponsoring he continued to stay in a 5 Start Hotel, and didn’t bother much to find a place for himself. Also if he cannot find a place for himself in a metro like Chennai, what kind of business can he bring to the company living in Chennai? He was sacked after a year…I think he moved to a better company, with the tag he carried - MBA!

My superior (a lady) asked me to handover all the work to these MBAs, as they were specially downloaded for the operation ‘restructure.’ I readily did that, and walked away. Mr A and Mr B caught hold of me and took me to a meeting room. I asked, “what happened?” And they surrendered. They said, they don’t know anything about the dot com industry, and would want my 3-years experience to be shared with them. (In mind I was just saying to myself - lucky bastards you are recruited for 4 times more salary than me, and you say this shit shamelessly!). I had to do what my dad had asked me in life – a man who doesn’t share his knowledge is like an unused candle - they are not worth their existence. I transferred all that I had gained with my experience, and they were happy about the same. (They of course were good managers– they managed to get all the key information from me free of cost).

My superior (an MBA, who used to sell soaps before God made a wrong move of placing her in a dot com) called me to her cabin to do some grilling. She was not happy with my simple and lucid language, which I used for predictions. She cited an example - she said you should write like Astro Queen Linda Goodman!! I continued to keep the smile on my face, and within me I was murmering, “if I could write like Linda Goodman, then why on earth would I be reporting to a bitch like you!” I really wish that all the employees should have a digital screen on their forehead getting ‘on’ whenever the boss yells or makes nasty comments. The boss will really be happy to see the whole of his family getting raped in the employees’ minds!

Life has its mysterious ways. When the grilling was mid-way, Mr A happened to walk past our cabin. And my superior looked at him and remarked, “I somehow like Mr A’s working style.” “Kennedi, you should learn a lot from him. If you continue with your present attitude, you will never succeed in a Corporate world!” I was speechless, and it was like some 100 tons of coal burning in my stomach!

Well one good thing about my superior was at least her prediction about me came true. She was right. With my attitude and arrogance, I could never succeed in a corporate world. What I had with me was just experience, honesty, knowledge, intelligence, common sense, and normal brain and what I lacked was a MBA!

Hail MBAs!!

Posted by Kenni at 08:10 AM | Comments (0)

December 19, 2005

The MBAs and the IIMs I met in my life – Part 1!

I always had high regards for the MBAs from normal Business schools and also from God’s own institutions like that of IIMs A, B, C, & D until I met few of them during my Corporate life. There are both pluses and minuses in them. The pluses are – they are damn good at dressing up (usually would wear branded clothes and shoes), they carry themselves really well (with an attitude that is), they have excellent communication skills (you will never know when you are taken for a ride), they are impressive at promising huge targets (which are never met logically), they don’t have stage fears (they lie the way they want) and they are very good at presentation skills (Microsoft power point to be precise). And the minuses are, rather I would say they have only one minus point – most of them have huge butts as they carry their brains there!

Three IIMites quit their high paying job from Procter & Gamble to try their luck as entrepreneurs. They had VC funding in place and also an idea during the dot com boom. The idea was not original, but was inspired as Anu Malik always says after lifting music notes from the Western script as it is. They wanted to create a community of people who would comment on various services and products they have used in their lives. (The original site is http://www.epinions.com , which still exists). And they wanted me to join them as an Editor. The interview went off well, the pay pack was decided, and the offer was made.

One evening in a casual meeting one of the guys asked me, “Kennedi, tell me one thing honestly. Where do you think our site will be in the next 1 year.” And I honestly replied, “nowhere. It will be closed in one year.” (Remember this was told even before the dot com had started the boom) He was completely upset with my answer, and later took all the possible steps to block me joining his new dream project – and he succeeded. I never joined them, and neither did the dot com survive for a year. (Not only this, most dot coms went for a bust during that period in spite of Most Management Gurus taking up the VC funding. This was for a simple reason that all of them lacked one basic thing known as Common Sense, which Philip Kotler forgot to provide with his book).

I knew three MBAs who joined Indian Express Online Media (http://www.expressindia.com) to bring revenues to the enterprise. The very first step towards profitability was a loss. The salaries they took home were much more than the amount the company could hope in the next couple of years as profits. These three used up all the money they were allocated in Express, went to the US, got another VC and started off with their own company called India.com (even this didn’t survive for more than a year). One of them moved to Yahoo India, made losses there and then moved on to another company…God knows where he is now. (Investing someone else’s crores of rupees and taking out profits in lakhs is not a sign of a good manager. A person who knows to generate money and to multiply it is the real manager, and I am sure 2 years of theories doesn’t teach you that. MBA degrees make you more of a ‘damager’ than a ‘manager’).

To be continued…..

Posted by Kenni at 08:46 AM | Comments (0)

December 15, 2005

So what’s happening on askenni.com!

Let me sound like a Vice President of a corporate company for while. Here it goes-

After its (askenni.com) inception in the year 2004, there has been a steady growth in the page views & also its popularity. Existing clients continue to stay with us in spite of steady competition from across the globe. This shows our perseverance, our honestly towards our services, and the kindness with which we deal with our clients. There has been no cash burn in the past year, and profits have increased to a very large extent. With the media (business world) giving us the right coverage at the right time, we with conviction can say that we surely are moving in the right direction.

The management has reviewed the existing scheme of plan, and has taken few steps to improve on the same. A new section called ‘Ur Questions’ is already added, and few other sections are in the pipeline. The budget and expertise for the same are being streamlined, so that when we start we start off with zero error.

As of now neither there are any plans to increase the number of employees, nor there are any plans to upgrade the existing technologies. G. Kennedi will handle the content part with his Compaq laptop & perverted minds, and Kamesh will handle the backend part sitting in Sweden.

Another major decision that the management is considering at this juncture is about removing the Google ads from the site. The revenues that are made through askenni.com are 15 to 20 times more than the revenues we make through Google ads per year. Google ads also takes the prime space on the site, which otherwise can be used for other important purposes. The decision whether to remove Google ads completely or should it be pushed below will be taken in a joint meeting with the Almighty.

Before I end this session let me give you a list of feedback that were sent to askenni.com in the past few days….

Feedback on the predictions made

"I was in big trouble with my job since the last 1.5 to 2 years. I contacted Kennedi in October 2004 and he told me that I can only expect to find a good job around September 2005 at the start of a new dasha . I was trying hard for a job for almost a year without success and then during the end of July 2005 I got a verbal offer for an exciting job. But interestingly there were delays in getting the official letter and I could start in the last week of August 2005. I thank Kennedi for his accurate prediction. He has also predicted a great rise in my career from September 2005 and I am looking forward to it"

Neel (name changed)

Dear Mr. G. Kennedi,

I am a 35 year old woman and my husband had contacted you earlier for advice regarding his job and your prediction came true and he is very happy with your prediction.

Radha (name changed)

Feedback on the content

I read your blog that talks about a step by step process to identify that a person is nearing one’s death.

My father passed away a year ago. As far as patterns are concerned I noticed one thing that stood out in my parent’s case –

I was with my mother until a couple of months before her death I had to go to the US. I went with a strong feeling that something bad will happen to her in my absence (I didn’t have the heart to imagine that she’ll die in my absence). Exactly two months into my trip and my mother passed away. I got a mail from my brother saying she was serious and was admitted in the hospital, when I left for India. By the time I reached India, it had been a day since she’d passed away.

My father joined me in the US (I’m in the US currently with my husband and a daughter) for my daughter’s birth. He stayed with us for 6 months. Exactly two months after his return to India, he passed away.

In my grandmother’s case I noticed what you mentioned in your blog. My grandmother was seriously ill and was in the hospital for more than a week. My brother (her favorite), could manage to be at Hyderabad only for a day during his MBA. He had seen her and left and she died within a few minutes after he left.

My mother passed away in 2000, my grand mother in 2002, and my father, last year in 2004. Death has been visiting my family every alternate year and taking away the most precious people in my life. I am afraid of 2006.

Sudha

Feedback on ‘Ur Question’ section (linked from the right nav)

Q12) Why are Blue Films called so, when there is nothing blue about it?

A12) The term blue film was derived from word blue print, which the architects use. Blue print essentially is a document, where in everything is shown outright & clearly. And you know what is shown explicitly in a blue film.

(Here is what a doctor has to say about the same, who is not happy with my reasoning -

Hi,

About the "Blue film" etymology............

You must know that there are two kinds of cells in Retina, Rods and Cones....... and of these rods are for dark vision and cones for colour vision. And the pigment in Rod, called Rhodopsin has peak sensitivity to light at 505 nm.....In short, when it is bright, you see articles in their original color and when the light is fading away, any article (or landscape) get a blue tinge towards it....
Thus any film shot with poor lighting will appear a bit more blue......This is a explanation from the scientific point of view.....

And if you want an astrological explanation as to why porno movies were called blue films, I presume that the colour associated with Venus is Blue, Am I right ???

Regards

Bruno
-
Dr.J.Mariano Anto Bruno Mascarenhas.
www.doctorbruno.com)

Well Dr Bruno, I am yet to watch a porn movie, which is shot in poor lighting.

With that our session ends – you can refresh yourself with tea and biscuits. You can mail us your feedbacks, ideas, and inputs to our mail ID.

Signing Off

G. Kennedi
VP, Askenni.com :P

Posted by Kenni at 06:38 AM | Comments (0)

December 03, 2005

Your life is worth only 1 minute of silence or sometimes not even that – part 2!

Why do you think Indians were termed coolies by the British people? Simply because we loved to work really hard, and were always grateful at the peanuts that their thrown to us. Old habits die hard, and the situation still remains the same. The only difference being the foreigners don’t rule us anymore, it is our in-house Corporate now. I read somewhere recently that Japan has chosen to invest in India and not in China. Indians were really happy for the same. I had only one question on my mind. Why has India not developed so much so to choose between Japan and China to invest her money, when more or else all the 3 countries were at the same position economically after the 2nd World War?

Indians are driven by religious sentiments, and most of them go by what has been told in our scriptures. Unanimously we have misunderstood the funda or should I say have been to made to miss the crux completely. All have been trained from childhood that hard effort leads to success. That was the first polished peace of shit that was given to us. Study well and you will be successful – I am yet to see a class toper owning his enterprise. And the Karma word depicted in Geeta – which beautifully says “do your karma, and don’t expect the results” means something else, and not spending 12 hours at your office place.

Raj Yog astrologically means luck for prosperity and wealth. The more the Raj Yogas in a person’s chart, the more you will be successful in your life. Raj Yog is coined from Raja meaning King and Yoga meaning Luck. And what were the Kings doing in their lives? They always worked less, relaxed more, had enough sex and lived happily. Just notice the amount of work your VP (vice president) or CEO (chief executive officer) does. They usually give you long bhashan on how to put more effort and make the company profitable, but they themselves put very less effort. And mind it you can never find them at office after 6 pm!

Take Japan for instance - Japanese surely work hard, but then they never work beyond the stipulated time. The situation is the same with most of the other developed countries too. Hence for the development of any person or a company or a country people have to work less and smartly, than spending hours together at office place just because your boss wants to prove a point!

So what do you do if you are asked to be at office for an important meeting or an unimportant meeting at 8 pm? Just switch off your mobile phone and walk off home at 6 pm. Remember you need time for your family, your personal health, and also for the society. Be the first to rebel, and others will follow you.

Also if you ignore all the other things in life, and focus only on making your boss happy, even the Gods won’t bless you with prosperity! You will be stuck to the 15 per cent salary hike you get every year after all those long HR formalities!

Here is what I read a couple of years back –

It took place in UK on one fine Sunday. An employee had great lunch at home, and was having good afternoon sex with his wife. Just when he was about to orgasm, his phone rang. It was a call from his office boss asking him about the pending job! He sued the company for few million pounds, and he won the case too.

PS – For the people who misunderstood Part 1 of this particular blog series.

My aim was not to create a sympathy wave for Mr Anil it was to make you aware that you should not be the next Mr Anil in the queue!

Article to follow

Corporate Chindigiris

Posted by Kenni at 07:16 AM | Comments (0)

December 02, 2005

Your life is worth only 1 minute of silence or sometimes not even that – part 1!

My friend/client from Bangalore working for Mindtree Consulting called me yesterday evening. He was a bit panicky over the phone. He said he spoke to Mr Anil, 36, and found that both his kidney had failed recently, and his father donated a kidney to him. He is on bed rest. No work till February 2006 - suggested the docs it seems. And according to my friend, the best results of kidney transplant can make the patient survive only for 5-6 years.

By the way who is Mr Anil?

It was in the year 1997 - when I was literally begging for jobs in Mumbai carrying my resumes to all the newspaper organizations, magazines, and TV channels. I remained jobless & happy for 2 months, till I got a call to attend a test in Indian Express. Anil was the one who interviewed me and offered me my first steady job at Indian Express Online Media. The interview was cool, and he was the first person to respect my qualification and potential. I am still grateful to him to have helped me structure my career in the Dot Com industry, which still gives me my daily bread.

Anil would come to office at 8 am, and leave only at 8 pm. A sure shot workaholic I should say. Before joining the Express, he was with Financial Express for 5 long years, and after Express he was with India.com and UNI. I am sure these organizations would not even remember that he still exists and that he used to work for 12 hours to help them bring revenues. Of course he was paid, but only for 8 hours!

At Sify, we used to get a mail, saying at 11.00 am please stand up for a one minute silence. One of our associates has passed away, and we need to pray for his soul. At 11 there would be an announcement saying, it is 11 and all are requested to stand up. The guys would stand up to see how many girls are there in the office, and who is wearing what. Because no other time could you see all the women at the same time. The women would honestly close their eyes, as if they are praying for the departed souls – being completely conscious about the number of guys staring at them! After the 1 minute of con job was over, people would sit, and get back to their work happily!

Once I saw an obituary of a 29 year old colleague in a newspaper. I was flabbergasted. I knew that person very well, and had interacted with him just a month ago in my office. I was very curious to know what went wrong, and why was there no silence prayer for him. I met another friend of his to inquire, and he said, “he had joined Citi Bank just a week prior to his death!” His friend said, “he always was under heavy stress due to his political boss, the unrealistic targets he used to be given, and the insecurities he was subjected to everyday.” “He used to drink literally everyday to get over the mental tensions, and finally died of brain hemorrhage – leaving behind a young wife and a 3 year old son”! May be employees of Citi Bank stood up for him for 1 minute at their office. God Knows!

Should you really work more than 8 hours at office?

To be continued…….

Posted by Kenni at 06:12 AM | Comments (0)

July 02, 2004

Corporate Gyaan 11 - Never quit your job for individuals

Research say 90 per cent of competent employees throw away their job just because they don’t have a good relationship with their IMMEDIATE boss. The company would be great, the colleagues would be friendly, but then end of the day if you aren’t happy with the person whom you interact on an everyday basis – job & life could get unpleasant.

There could be innumerous times when you thought about typing your resignation, throwing the same on your boss’s face and walk off the same day out of your office with pride. But then who wins the battle? Your Boss! And never let that happen.

There is another funda you need to get deep into your mind – when you join a Corporate Company, you don’t join for individuals. You don’t join a company because Mr Saxena is the CEO of the company or Mr Malhotra is the Vice President. You join a company for its brand value. And the positions people occupy are destined to be replaced by different people at different times – ‘impermanence’ being the rule of the life.

Not all succeed in pleasing their boss, and get a decent hike or a promotion. But then try not to go the extent of hating your job just because your energy doesn’t match with someone whose luck got him where he is.

Here are few tips to love your job even when you hate your boss…

TIP 1

It might sound a bit gross, but then it is one of Osho’s meditation techniques to put things right. Invest in a Hit Doll, and keep it near your footwear stand. Every day while leaving to the office, kick the doll thinking he is the person whom you are going to deal with today – your boss. You can do the same exercise while coming back from the office. You should be adept at imagining the doll as your boss and also try to kick it as hard as possible.

You can expect 2 immediate results…

1) Your relationship with your boss might improve
2) You will stop cribbing

TIP 2

This technique is similar to TIP 1, but in this case you have to be goody goody to your boss for at least one day - one day to get a profile picture of him/her. Once you get that, scan it, blow it up and paste the picture again near your footwear stand. Everyday slap the picture with a pair of old slippers. This will surely make you feel better. (This technique is called catharsis)

TIP 3

Most bosses who make your life miserable are the one’s who themselves are under tremendous pressure from the top and also the people who are a lot insecured about their own job.

Whenever they try to pass on the heat from the top management to you, start watching a movie of Jenna Jameson or Jennifer Lopez in your mind. You can always act as if you are listening, but then your boss won’t be asking you to repeat what all the crap he told you.

TIP 4

You can easily guess when you are going to get the firing. Make yourself ready and meditate on these important things -

*that your boss is made to talk what he is talking,
*that your boss is as temporary as you are in the office and also in the world
*that only insecured people yell, happy people motivate
*that you are here for money and only money

The last but not the least, whenever you are called to a room for a heated session fold you hands, clasp your fingers and keep the middle finger UP! This surely will make your boss look like a fool in your eyes – at least.

Posted by Kenni at 07:05 AM | Comments (0)

June 25, 2004

Corporate Gyaan 10 - Office - the best place to practice Bodhi Satwa!

If you want to attain enlightenment or seek nirvana, there is no need that you have go on an exile. The perfect atmosphere is very much available in any Corporate, where you will be subjected to all sorts of situations, both funny and nonsensical, that will transform you into a stronger being.

Bodhi Satwa is a set of rules Buddhists follow to reach a mental configuration of absolute stillness or I should say silence. They surrender to existentialism so much so that nothing exterior affects them. You can call them a dog and they will bless you and walk away, you can try hitting them and they will avoid your blows and again bless you and walk away. (Karate is an art of self- defense invented by these monks to avoid getting hit by people.)

There are few natural human emotions one has to restrain to reach Buddha hood (of course there are arguments about why one should control his/her feelings on the first place, why not go ahead and do everything…would write a separate blog on that) and they are anger, jealousy, hatred, futile comparison and sex.

And here is how a Corporate helps you deal with these things….

Anger – There is no point in getting angry or irritated if you find your boss less qualified than you or less talented than you. It isn’t effort or intelligence that takes you up the ladder it is Karma that makes people reach the peak. So where is the reason to get angry? You can just blame it on Karma, and take life in your stride.

Jealousy – It is quite natural that you would fume with jealousy if your colleague were given a better hike than you, just because he/she managed to pick up and drop your boss’ relative from the railway station to his house. Jealousy blooms only if you think you are equal with your colleague - blame it on God, think you are unique and move ahead.

Hatred – Any work gets mundane/routine if you keep repeating it. This is true even with a porn star. He cannot keep doing it always. He needs a break and aspires to do new things always. Here perseverance plays a major role to avoid hating your present job. Corporate structure ensures you that it won’t make your work more challenging until and unless you fade away.

Futile Comparison – A small well-known story to explain this – A duck had 4 ducklings, 3 of them were pure white in color while one was black. The white ones flocked together and ignored the black one. The blacky quite upset with the scenario approached the mom and asked why do they look down upon me? Just because I am black? The mother replied, dear you aren’t my child - your mom left you in my nest, and you are a swan! Never compare yourself with your colleagues, peers and bosses…it is all part of the divine plan, and NONE could snatch what you are destined to.

Sex – Sorry guys, I cannot write any blog without bringing this divine topic into consideration. Corporate is the place where you get to see the best dames - this helps you in controlling your sensual and sexual urges, which otherwise isn’t possible. Also you tend to treat the opposite sex with high level of chivalry, though you might be running some dirty thoughts in your mind about the same person while having a conversation about business deal. Not having sex when you feel like is a fantastic way to sublime your sexual energy – thanks to the Corporate guidelines of proper conduct!

Posted by Kenni at 10:32 AM | Comments (0)

June 16, 2004

Hate your boss? Sack him!

Here is something that will interest MOST people

Posted by Kenni at 07:58 AM | Comments (0)

June 07, 2004

Corporate Gyaan 9 – Learn the Corporate Language FAST!

Words like honesty, dedication, and truth are similar to animals like dodos – extinct but still found in dictionaries. The new set of terms that has to be inculcated is – lies, diplomacy, back stabbing, and falsehood - collectively termed PROFESSIONALISM. And professionalism is the only thing that can save your job and allow you to grow in any organization. Talent, qualification, originality, new ideas all other shit take a back seat.

Dedicated to all those energetic aspirants who are yet to take the plunge into the corporate arena.
These are my personal experiences after working for 2-3 corporates. Any resemblance to anyone or any organization is unintentional and merely coincidental.

Three Non-Buddhist way of training your mind to survive in the Corporate Culture

Learn to say YES, even when you mean NO!
You are recruited for your attitude and not for your aptitude. Think positive, be positive and never say NO even if your superiors ask you put your pants down and do a cabaret. Saying no or telling something out of the box always would attract problems to the extent that your responsibility will be increased without promotion or salary hike – the most decent way of asking you to leave.

Learn to appreciate all Tom, Dick and Dickheads
Opinions, views and ideas will rush from every quarters of the system. Just try to appreciate all of them, even if you know they are the sickest or the dumbest idea anyone could think of. Remember people love to be appreciated or I should say even an ass and a mule expect a pat on its back once in a while.

Keep smiling like a chimp
Corporate offices are the best places for anyone to practice Bodhi Dharma. If possible keep a smiling face, and try to nail the 2 ends of your lips. This will lead to a permanent curve that will straighten most of the things. People working with you neither are psychics nor do you carry a LCD screen near your chest that tells about what exactly you think, speak and mean. You can surely abuse your boss from inside, and still give him a royal treatment from outside.

Posted by Kenni at 09:42 AM | Comments (0)

May 13, 2004

CORPORATE GYAAN 8 - Corporate companies are run by mediocres & not intellects!

If you have been working hard and still wonder about your lack of growth in a particular corporate company, it need not be due to your incompetency but could be because you are too intelligent!

Corporate companies do talk about fresh initiatives, new ideas, and company transparency and all that in my experience is nothing but a load of shit packed in colourful wrappers.

No idea, however good it may be, will be taken into consideration until and unless your immediate boss is happy with you. The idea will be brutally killed in the first phase itself. And remember it is NEVER a good thought to skip your immediate superior and reach the super boss with your idea. You will harm two important things in the mood of doing good to your company.

1) You will be rubbing your immediate boss at the wrong end, who invariably holds your key to the success in the corporate world &
2) You might end up being called a trouble-maker as you tried to break the pattern also called hierarchy

End of the day if you sit and think - this whole mess would sound like a big JOKE! Also in the process of presenting your idea for the benefit of the company you would have made enough enemies around you! So, it is better you keep your ideas to yourself and keep your mouth shut until and unless you are asked for your inputs.

I am reminded of a beautiful example of one of my closest friends who came to the Indian Express, Mumbai to write a test for becoming a reporter. He had done his Masters in Journalism out of choice, unlike me who took up MA Mass Communication just to have a good time with pretty girls in the department. (No other department in our college had 1:5 boy-girl ratio)
He was given the test paper, and the questions asked were really silly to the core…

The question asked, and the way my friend answered them…(the ones I remembers now)

1) Who is Sitaram Kesari?
Ans – An old man in a hurricane

2) Who is Priyanka Gandhi?
Ans – Mrs Robert Wadhwa

Chandru found the questions too elementary for a person who is gonna get recruited for the 2nd largest selling newspapers in India. He continued with his sarcastic answers for all the questions, which were right…but at the same time arrogant too! He was called by the resident editor I don’t mind naming him he was BV Rao, and was told, “you are too good, the answers are cool too. But we cannot take you because you won’t fit in our SYSTEM!”

Corporate recruit only those people who fit in their scheme of plan. Obviously a Project Manager won’t recruit a person who is more intelligent than him, nor a journalist would recruit a person whose language is better than his. All want to stick to their job with or without doing their jobs, and survival instinct becomes a deciding factor.

So guys, if you are a mediocre my sincere wishes are always with you. You indeed will succeed in climbing the corporate ladder fast, and if you are an intellect you will be the BIGGEST failure!

Remember Dinosaurs ruled the Jurassic Park, and mediocres rule the IT parks!

Posted by Kenni at 04:27 AM | Comments (0)

CORPORATE GYAAN 7 – Whom to recruit & why?

There are only two kinds of people who work for a corporate company. The one who are very good team members and another who are good leaders. An ideal manager/employer would understand this quality of an employee in microseconds, and a dumb manager would never have come across this concept at all.

Excuse me if you find my blog a little serious today. Just that I am a bit pissed off with few people, whom I thought were intelligent. I learnt that looks are INDEED deceptive, and you never could make out how much brains a person has just by looking at the size of the head!

So my gyaan starts here…

Leaders succeed in isolation, and team members succeed in groups. If you put a leader in a team and ask him to work as a team member, he surely will be a big mishap. If Thomas Alva Edison were to be put with some 10 other scientists to invent the bulb or electricity, till today we would have never witnessed sources of light other than Sun and the Moon.

How to identify them

Team members are good at their communication skills; they exist with less ego and pride, and make many friends and compromise on issues without much of hue and cry. Leaders are exactly the opposite. They keep themselves aloof most of the time, they rarely talk and are engrossed in themselves, have very few friends, have hell lot of ego and pride, and they NEVER COMPROMISE!

How to get things done from them

Crack a joke, take them to group lunch, give them hell lot of hopes of a better future, yell at them, give deadlines, ask them meet the targets, gift them once in a while, pat them. These things will keep any team member happy and gay.

For leaders you better keep a safe distance. Smile at them occasionally - that would suffice. Leaders always hate their boss’s existence, they set their own deadlines, they meet their own targets, and they hate the ugly diplomatic pat on their back. One thing they dislike the most is to take orders.

How to motivate them

Team members - Give them salted peanuts every year and they will be good to you forever.
Leaders – Don’t disturb, leave them alone! They get what they want, and do what they will. They are self-motivated most of the times.

Tips for bosses

There are 2 choices for any boss.

1) You want to grow or
2) You want the company grow

If your choice is 1, you better recruit team members to have lesser problems in your life. And if your choice is 2, you better recruit leaders but then you will have to spend some sleepless nights too. The choice is yours!

Posted by Kenni at 04:26 AM | Comments (0)

CORPORATE GYAAN 6 - The Corporate Kingdom!

The IIMites aren’t God sent, nor God take some extra time to program their minds. They are normal Homo sapiens with 1 head and 1 brain, just that they are blessed with more money and more power to play and experiment with. Most corporate in India and around the world have been set up by people who never had a formal degree in management, and 2 years training could never convert an ass (I mean donkey) into a horse.

No, my aim was not to put down the MBAs, but was to compare the present Corporate Management System to our age-old systems of our mighty Kings…

The hierarchy

CEO – The Emperor
VPs – The Kings
Brand Manager, Senior Managers, Marketing heads, HR head et al – Ministers
Executives, Support – Soldiers

The lifestyles

CEOs – Go in the best car like the Emperor used to go on mighty elephants
VPs – Go in the second best cars like the King went on horses
Middle management – Stick to their small cars like the Palkis
Executives – Go by bus, walk or bikes like the soldiers went on some second grade horse as seen in the war scenes of Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayan or Chopra’s Mahabharat

The work culture

The Emperor/CEOs – Emperors are invisible most of the times, they never interact with soldiers, spend most of their time on recreational activities, and never panic till the Kings/VPs press the emergency button.

VPs/Kings – They spend half their time on recreational activities, and half their time in meeting the middle management/ministers to understand what is happening in the Kingdom. Most VPs don’t like ministers who rebel or complain about the real situations.

Ministers/Middle management – They are the most problematic bottleneck of any kingdom/corporate. They know how to keep their VPs happy. They lie, and hide the truth most of the time, as they know it will hurt the King’s interest.

Executives/support/soldiers – They are the ultimate sufferers. They are the one who slog their butts most of the time, and the ministers, Kings and the Emperor bask in their efforts. They live on the hope of a better tomorrow inoculated by the ministers/middle management. They are kept out of VPs/CEOs sight, until and unless they flaw majorly.

So when will our Emperors/Kings come in disguise to take the first hand report from the soldiers to understand the real problem/situation of his Kingdom?!

Posted by Kenni at 04:24 AM | Comments (0)

CORPORATE GYAAN 5 - Will you lose your job for having an opinion?

Jesus was crucified, Osho Rajneesh was slow poisoned, Socrates was poisoned, Aristotle was jailed and called insane…all because they never COMPROMISED on what they thought was RIGHT! They had an opinion, they had a view, and they had a thought, which they felt was correct and stuck to that till the end, undeterred - come what may!

The world is created and run by God and not by Corporate Bigwigs! If they think so, they are the biggest fool on the planet. Even when a Prime Minister of a country dies, except for Doordarshan none mourns for more than 2 minutes - the world goes on!

Stop all the communication devices, shut down all the factories, close down all the companies - you think the WORLD will stop functioning? The Sun still will rise from the east, the earth still will grow cereals, the tree still will bear fruit, the birds still will chirp, the river still will flow, the ocean still will form waves and mankind still will survive!

As the Upanishads start with a beautiful line – ‘There is nothing good or bad in this world, everything is RELATIVE’! None is right and none is wrong, and everyone has the right to think and present his/her views the way he wants. That is the simple difference between democracy and dictatorship!

I have met few people who hate to put their foot down just because they think by doing it they would rub the wrong side of their superiors, which might affect their promotion and appraisal possibility end of the year! Remember you work for the company’s growth, and not for your personal growth, and you HAVE TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN when you think your boss is wrong. You boss is NO GOD, and he is a simple human being who can err, do mistakes and make blunders as any other person.

Remember Akbar loved Birbal, because he was the only man who always rebelled and was honestly concerned about the welfare of the kingdom. And also Chandragupta Maurya admired Chanakya for his originality…and for your information the punishment in those days to rebel against the King was BEHEADING!

Posted by Kenni at 04:22 AM | Comments (0)

CORPORATE GYAAN 4 - Karmane vaadhikarastye ma phaleshu kadachana in Corporate Culture

It was the battlefield of Kurukshetra, and King Arjuna had dropped his weapons out of mere confusion about how fighting against his own relatives and loved ones could get justified! Lord Krishna came to his rescue and preached him about ‘Karma’, meaning duty mostly confused with work in the modern scenario, and thus the Holy book Bhagwadgeeta came into existence. But I am sure Lord Krishna was completely unaware of the fact that his golden words ‘Karmane Vaadhikarastye Ma Phaleshu Kadachana’ will be applied to Corporate Culture in the 21st Century!

Do your duty, and don’t expect the result…seems to be the mantra of most bosses and the HR today. They tend to load the employees with unplanned work and are proud enough to give them the most unacceptable deadlines. And when it comes to asking for a promotion or a pay hike..they are ready with what Lord Krishna had to say ‘Karmane……..

Spending more time at office is mostly misunderstood with hard work. In my experience I have witnessed only 3 kinds of people who work late hours or on holidays…

1) People who hate to go home, as their domestic life sucks
2) People who are unmarried, and have nothing to do at home
3) And people who have a love fling in the office itself.

Always remember you are employed, and you are paid only for 8 hours of your daily time, and anything above that has to be considered a crime!

And what Lord Krishna exactly meant about Karma is duty and the role you take up on a single day. You should do your duty as a son/daughter, you should do your duty as a nice husband, you should do your duty as a nice parent, you should do your duty as a good citizen, and you should do your duty as a good worshipper without expecting any returns!

Just being a good Manager at work and compromising on other roles you have to play on a single day surely makes you an unworthy soul or I should say an ass****!

Posted by Kenni at 04:21 AM | Comments (0)

CORPORATE GYAAN 3 – Reach your office fully loaded!

Beg, borrow, steal or swipe your credit card…but get yourself some latest wardrobe (which has a prominent label on it of a POPULAR BRAND), a huge pair of shoes (it is ok if is too loose for your feet, but it should look worth few grands for sure), and a tiny mobile phone (the only thing on the planet, which a MAN feels - the smaller the better).

Your outlook and the way you carry yourself are the only things, which will gain you bonus points at work. People usually don't care about the stuff you carry inside your skull, which anyway is not visible.

Few tips to gain respect from seniors, colleagues, boss and people above them….

*Always keep a stern face, and do not smile at anyone.

Smiling at people will reduce your chances of being a good manager, and also none will take you seriously if you keep wishing people around you.

*Move around the office at a fast pace, and act as if you are in middle of something very important.

See to it that there are enough people looking at you when you do this, particularly your boss and super boss. Moving fast when no one around will only drain your energy, and make you feel STUPID.

*Reach the office fully loaded, laptop hanging from one shoulder and your lunch bag on other. Don’t keep your hands free. Carry few newspapers, and also magazines, whether they are old or new doesn’t matter. You can always say you do detailed reading. And last but not the least don’t forget to carry the Company Diary, but see to it that the diary is of the latest company you are working for!

Whether you use the stuff, except for your lunch box, which you carry is immaterial. Carrying them itself is a good exercise to keep you in shape.

NOTE – Any resemblance to people living or dead is INTENTIONAL.

Posted by Kenni at 04:19 AM | Comments (0)

CORPORATE GYAAN 2 - How to disturb people with your mobile phones at office!

Burn your pocket, invest on the latest mobile in the market, pull your socks up and enjoy the attention you can gather by playing few stunts in the office with your sleek small one. It is ok, if you realize later that the amount you paid for the mobile is huge. You can always skip your breakfast to compensate on that, and tell people you are on a diet if they notice your weight loss.

Few tips to make a BIG impression with your TINY one…

*Buy an impressive pouch for your mobile and attach it to your belt, and see to it that the body of the mobile is visible enough for onlookers (if the pouch covers the phone completely, there is no point you paid through your nose to buy this talking device)

*Download some latest ring tones …it could be of a latest movie or some funny tunes people aren’t aware of. There are lots you can do with your ring tones to disturb people and snatch their attention. You definitely will enjoy the 5-minute fame that your ring tone gets you. (Keep changing the ring tones every week to get people’s attention who otherwise deny your presence)

*Don’t ever keep your mobile phones on vibration mode. Remember it isn’t a vibrator! Keep the volume to the maximum, and whenever you get a phone call don’t pick it up until and unless you let go 3 rings. See to it that 4 or 5 people give you a stare or at least look at you with helplessness asking you with despair to pick up the phone soon.

*Another interesting stunt you can try once in 3 months is leaving your mobile phone unattended at your desk. Take my word that there will at least one jobless friend of yours who will love to play a prank by hiding your mobile phone. Don’t get disappointed if none hides it, 2 or 3 attempts, you surely can tempt someone to flick it. Once flicked, become panicky, inquire everyone about your mobile phone, call yourself through landline, and keep everyone busy for the next 15 minutes. By doing this you can at least get the attention of 10 people around you, and you will have immense satisfaction that you disturbed enough people and had a wonderful time when you didn’t have enough work on hand!

Posted by Kenni at 04:16 AM | Comments (0)

CORPORATE GYAAN 1 - Be good to your boss for faster growth!

Your educational qualification can get you through the written test. Your communication skill can get you through the interview. And once you are on a job, the only thing that will take you ahead is your relationship with your boss.

If you are good to your boss..

*You will be promoted at regular intervals
*You will get 2 salary hikes a year…one before appraisal and one after it
*If your boss quits the organization, he will try to take you along with him

If you are bad to your boss..

*You will be called to a cabin every month for an assurance that you are a burden to the company, and that the BIG boss is not happy with you at all. (You will never know whether the BIG boss even knows your name)
*How could you get a promotion, when the organization thinks your work is not to their expectations?
*You will get the much awaited salary hike and if crosschecked, you will only be disappointed to know that you got the LEAST hike!
*Your boss will never take you with him even for an office party…

The choice is yours, whether you need to be original and retire with a designation you joined with, or you need to compromise on your self respect and climb the Corporate ladder FAST!!!

Posted by Kenni at 04:15 AM | Comments (0)

Your Friendly Philosopher & Guide

Your Friend, Philosopher and Guide