Your Friend, Philosopher & Guide!: Corporate Gyaan Archives

July 02, 2004

Corporate Gyaan 11 - Never quit your job for individuals

Research say 90 per cent of competent employees throw away their job just because they don’t have a good relationship with their IMMEDIATE boss. The company would be great, the colleagues would be friendly, but then end of the day if you aren’t happy with the person whom you interact on an everyday basis – job & life could get unpleasant.

There could be innumerous times when you thought about typing your resignation, throwing the same on your boss’s face and walk off the same day out of your office with pride. But then who wins the battle? Your Boss! And never let that happen.

There is another funda you need to get deep into your mind – when you join a Corporate Company, you don’t join for individuals. You don’t join a company because Mr Saxena is the CEO of the company or Mr Malhotra is the Vice President. You join a company for its brand value. And the positions people occupy are destined to be replaced by different people at different times – ‘impermanence’ being the rule of the life.

Not all succeed in pleasing their boss, and get a decent hike or a promotion. But then try not to go the extent of hating your job just because your energy doesn’t match with someone whose luck got him where he is.

Here are few tips to love your job even when you hate your boss…

TIP 1

It might sound a bit gross, but then it is one of Osho’s meditation techniques to put things right. Invest in a Hit Doll, and keep it near your footwear stand. Every day while leaving to the office, kick the doll thinking he is the person whom you are going to deal with today – your boss. You can do the same exercise while coming back from the office. You should be adept at imagining the doll as your boss and also try to kick it as hard as possible.

You can expect 2 immediate results…

1) Your relationship with your boss might improve
2) You will stop cribbing

TIP 2

This technique is similar to TIP 1, but in this case you have to be goody goody to your boss for at least one day - one day to get a profile picture of him/her. Once you get that, scan it, blow it up and paste the picture again near your footwear stand. Everyday slap the picture with a pair of old slippers. This will surely make you feel better. (This technique is called catharsis)

TIP 3

Most bosses who make your life miserable are the one’s who themselves are under tremendous pressure from the top and also the people who are a lot insecured about their own job.

Whenever they try to pass on the heat from the top management to you, start watching a movie of Jenna Jameson or Jennifer Lopez in your mind. You can always act as if you are listening, but then your boss won’t be asking you to repeat what all the crap he told you.

TIP 4

You can easily guess when you are going to get the firing. Make yourself ready and meditate on these important things -

*that your boss is made to talk what he is talking,
*that your boss is as temporary as you are in the office and also in the world
*that only insecured people yell, happy people motivate
*that you are here for money and only money

The last but not the least, whenever you are called to a room for a heated session fold you hands, clasp your fingers and keep the middle finger UP! This surely will make your boss look like a fool in your eyes – at least.

Posted by Kenni at 07:05 AM | Comments (0)

June 25, 2004

Corporate Gyaan 10 - Office - the best place to practice Bodhi Satwa!

If you want to attain enlightenment or seek nirvana, there is no need that you have go on an exile. The perfect atmosphere is very much available in any Corporate, where you will be subjected to all sorts of situations, both funny and nonsensical, that will transform you into a stronger being.

Bodhi Satwa is a set of rules Buddhists follow to reach a mental configuration of absolute stillness or I should say silence. They surrender to existentialism so much so that nothing exterior affects them. You can call them a dog and they will bless you and walk away, you can try hitting them and they will avoid your blows and again bless you and walk away. (Karate is an art of self- defense invented by these monks to avoid getting hit by people.)

There are few natural human emotions one has to restrain to reach Buddha hood (of course there are arguments about why one should control his/her feelings on the first place, why not go ahead and do everything…would write a separate blog on that) and they are anger, jealousy, hatred, futile comparison and sex.

And here is how a Corporate helps you deal with these things….

Anger – There is no point in getting angry or irritated if you find your boss less qualified than you or less talented than you. It isn’t effort or intelligence that takes you up the ladder it is Karma that makes people reach the peak. So where is the reason to get angry? You can just blame it on Karma, and take life in your stride.

Jealousy – It is quite natural that you would fume with jealousy if your colleague were given a better hike than you, just because he/she managed to pick up and drop your boss’ relative from the railway station to his house. Jealousy blooms only if you think you are equal with your colleague - blame it on God, think you are unique and move ahead.

Hatred – Any work gets mundane/routine if you keep repeating it. This is true even with a porn star. He cannot keep doing it always. He needs a break and aspires to do new things always. Here perseverance plays a major role to avoid hating your present job. Corporate structure ensures you that it won’t make your work more challenging until and unless you fade away.

Futile Comparison – A small well-known story to explain this – A duck had 4 ducklings, 3 of them were pure white in color while one was black. The white ones flocked together and ignored the black one. The blacky quite upset with the scenario approached the mom and asked why do they look down upon me? Just because I am black? The mother replied, dear you aren’t my child - your mom left you in my nest, and you are a swan! Never compare yourself with your colleagues, peers and bosses…it is all part of the divine plan, and NONE could snatch what you are destined to.

Sex – Sorry guys, I cannot write any blog without bringing this divine topic into consideration. Corporate is the place where you get to see the best dames - this helps you in controlling your sensual and sexual urges, which otherwise isn’t possible. Also you tend to treat the opposite sex with high level of chivalry, though you might be running some dirty thoughts in your mind about the same person while having a conversation about business deal. Not having sex when you feel like is a fantastic way to sublime your sexual energy – thanks to the Corporate guidelines of proper conduct!

Posted by Kenni at 10:32 AM | Comments (0)

June 16, 2004

Hate your boss? Sack him!

Here is something that will interest MOST people

Posted by Kenni at 07:58 AM | Comments (11)

June 07, 2004

Corporate Gyaan 9 – Learn the Corporate Language FAST!

Words like honesty, dedication, and truth are similar to animals like dodos – extinct but still found in dictionaries. The new set of terms that has to be inculcated is – lies, diplomacy, back stabbing, and falsehood - collectively termed PROFESSIONALISM. And professionalism is the only thing that can save your job and allow you to grow in any organization. Talent, qualification, originality, new ideas all other shit take a back seat.

Dedicated to all those energetic aspirants who are yet to take the plunge into the corporate arena.
These are my personal experiences after working for 2-3 corporates. Any resemblance to anyone or any organization is unintentional and merely coincidental.

Three Non-Buddhist way of training your mind to survive in the Corporate Culture

Learn to say YES, even when you mean NO!
You are recruited for your attitude and not for your aptitude. Think positive, be positive and never say NO even if your superiors ask you put your pants down and do a cabaret. Saying no or telling something out of the box always would attract problems to the extent that your responsibility will be increased without promotion or salary hike – the most decent way of asking you to leave.

Learn to appreciate all Tom, Dick and Dickheads
Opinions, views and ideas will rush from every quarters of the system. Just try to appreciate all of them, even if you know they are the sickest or the dumbest idea anyone could think of. Remember people love to be appreciated or I should say even an ass and a mule expect a pat on its back once in a while.

Keep smiling like a chimp
Corporate offices are the best places for anyone to practice Bodhi Dharma. If possible keep a smiling face, and try to nail the 2 ends of your lips. This will lead to a permanent curve that will straighten most of the things. People working with you neither are psychics nor do you carry a LCD screen near your chest that tells about what exactly you think, speak and mean. You can surely abuse your boss from inside, and still give him a royal treatment from outside.

Posted by Kenni at 09:42 AM | Comments (0)

May 13, 2004

CORPORATE GYAAN 8 - Corporate companies are run by mediocres & not intellects!

If you have been working hard and still wonder about your lack of growth in a particular corporate company, it need not be due to your incompetency but could be because you are too intelligent!

Corporate companies do talk about fresh initiatives, new ideas, and company transparency and all that in my experience is nothing but a load of shit packed in colourful wrappers.

No idea, however good it may be, will be taken into consideration until and unless your immediate boss is happy with you. The idea will be brutally killed in the first phase itself. And remember it is NEVER a good thought to skip your immediate superior and reach the super boss with your idea. You will harm two important things in the mood of doing good to your company.

1) You will be rubbing your immediate boss at the wrong end, who invariably holds your key to the success in the corporate world &
2) You might end up being called a trouble-maker as you tried to break the pattern also called hierarchy

End of the day if you sit and think - this whole mess would sound like a big JOKE! Also in the process of presenting your idea for the benefit of the company you would have made enough enemies around you! So, it is better you keep your ideas to yourself and keep your mouth shut until and unless you are asked for your inputs.

I am reminded of a beautiful example of one of my closest friends who came to the Indian Express, Mumbai to write a test for becoming a reporter. He had done his Masters in Journalism out of choice, unlike me who took up MA Mass Communication just to have a good time with pretty girls in the department. (No other department in our college had 1:5 boy-girl ratio)
He was given the test paper, and the questions asked were really silly to the core…

The question asked, and the way my friend answered them…(the ones I remembers now)

1) Who is Sitaram Kesari?
Ans – An old man in a hurricane

2) Who is Priyanka Gandhi?
Ans – Mrs Robert Wadhwa

Chandru found the questions too elementary for a person who is gonna get recruited for the 2nd largest selling newspapers in India. He continued with his sarcastic answers for all the questions, which were right…but at the same time arrogant too! He was called by the resident editor I don’t mind naming him he was BV Rao, and was told, “you are too good, the answers are cool too. But we cannot take you because you won’t fit in our SYSTEM!”

Corporate recruit only those people who fit in their scheme of plan. Obviously a Project Manager won’t recruit a person who is more intelligent than him, nor a journalist would recruit a person whose language is better than his. All want to stick to their job with or without doing their jobs, and survival instinct becomes a deciding factor.

So guys, if you are a mediocre my sincere wishes are always with you. You indeed will succeed in climbing the corporate ladder fast, and if you are an intellect you will be the BIGGEST failure!

Remember Dinosaurs ruled the Jurassic Park, and mediocres rule the IT parks!

Posted by Kenni at 04:27 AM | Comments (4)

CORPORATE GYAAN 7 – Whom to recruit & why?

There are only two kinds of people who work for a corporate company. The one who are very good team members and another who are good leaders. An ideal manager/employer would understand this quality of an employee in microseconds, and a dumb manager would never have come across this concept at all.

Excuse me if you find my blog a little serious today. Just that I am a bit pissed off with few people, whom I thought were intelligent. I learnt that looks are INDEED deceptive, and you never could make out how much brains a person has just by looking at the size of the head!

So my gyaan starts here…

Leaders succeed in isolation, and team members succeed in groups. If you put a leader in a team and ask him to work as a team member, he surely will be a big mishap. If Thomas Alva Edison were to be put with some 10 other scientists to invent the bulb or electricity, till today we would have never witnessed sources of light other than Sun and the Moon.

How to identify them

Team members are good at their communication skills; they exist with less ego and pride, and make many friends and compromise on issues without much of hue and cry. Leaders are exactly the opposite. They keep themselves aloof most of the time, they rarely talk and are engrossed in themselves, have very few friends, have hell lot of ego and pride, and they NEVER COMPROMISE!

How to get things done from them

Crack a joke, take them to group lunch, give them hell lot of hopes of a better future, yell at them, give deadlines, ask them meet the targets, gift them once in a while, pat them. These things will keep any team member happy and gay.

For leaders you better keep a safe distance. Smile at them occasionally - that would suffice. Leaders always hate their boss’s existence, they set their own deadlines, they meet their own targets, and they hate the ugly diplomatic pat on their back. One thing they dislike the most is to take orders.

How to motivate them

Team members - Give them salted peanuts every year and they will be good to you forever.
Leaders – Don’t disturb, leave them alone! They get what they want, and do what they will. They are self-motivated most of the times.

Tips for bosses

There are 2 choices for any boss.

1) You want to grow or
2) You want the company grow

If your choice is 1, you better recruit team members to have lesser problems in your life. And if your choice is 2, you better recruit leaders but then you will have to spend some sleepless nights too. The choice is yours!

Posted by Kenni at 04:26 AM | Comments (5)

CORPORATE GYAAN 6 - The Corporate Kingdom!

The IIMites aren’t God sent, nor God take some extra time to program their minds. They are normal Homo sapiens with 1 head and 1 brain, just that they are blessed with more money and more power to play and experiment with. Most corporate in India and around the world have been set up by people who never had a formal degree in management, and 2 years training could never convert an ass (I mean donkey) into a horse.

No, my aim was not to put down the MBAs, but was to compare the present Corporate Management System to our age-old systems of our mighty Kings…

The hierarchy

CEO – The Emperor
VPs – The Kings
Brand Manager, Senior Managers, Marketing heads, HR head et al – Ministers
Executives, Support – Soldiers

The lifestyles

CEOs – Go in the best car like the Emperor used to go on mighty elephants
VPs – Go in the second best cars like the King went on horses
Middle management – Stick to their small cars like the Palkis
Executives – Go by bus, walk or bikes like the soldiers went on some second grade horse as seen in the war scenes of Ramanand Sagar’s Ramayan or Chopra’s Mahabharat

The work culture

The Emperor/CEOs – Emperors are invisible most of the times, they never interact with soldiers, spend most of their time on recreational activities, and never panic till the Kings/VPs press the emergency button.

VPs/Kings – They spend half their time on recreational activities, and half their time in meeting the middle management/ministers to understand what is happening in the Kingdom. Most VPs don’t like ministers who rebel or complain about the real situations.

Ministers/Middle management – They are the most problematic bottleneck of any kingdom/corporate. They know how to keep their VPs happy. They lie, and hide the truth most of the time, as they know it will hurt the King’s interest.

Executives/support/soldiers – They are the ultimate sufferers. They are the one who slog their butts most of the time, and the ministers, Kings and the Emperor bask in their efforts. They live on the hope of a better tomorrow inoculated by the ministers/middle management. They are kept out of VPs/CEOs sight, until and unless they flaw majorly.

So when will our Emperors/Kings come in disguise to take the first hand report from the soldiers to understand the real problem/situation of his Kingdom?!

Posted by Kenni at 04:24 AM | Comments (5)

CORPORATE GYAAN 5 - Will you lose your job for having an opinion?

Jesus was crucified, Osho Rajneesh was slow poisoned, Socrates was poisoned, Aristotle was jailed and called insane…all because they never COMPROMISED on what they thought was RIGHT! They had an opinion, they had a view, and they had a thought, which they felt was correct and stuck to that till the end, undeterred - come what may!

The world is created and run by God and not by Corporate Bigwigs! If they think so, they are the biggest fool on the planet. Even when a Prime Minister of a country dies, except for Doordarshan none mourns for more than 2 minutes - the world goes on!

Stop all the communication devices, shut down all the factories, close down all the companies - you think the WORLD will stop functioning? The Sun still will rise from the east, the earth still will grow cereals, the tree still will bear fruit, the birds still will chirp, the river still will flow, the ocean still will form waves and mankind still will survive!

As the Upanishads start with a beautiful line – ‘There is nothing good or bad in this world, everything is RELATIVE’! None is right and none is wrong, and everyone has the right to think and present his/her views the way he wants. That is the simple difference between democracy and dictatorship!

I have met few people who hate to put their foot down just because they think by doing it they would rub the wrong side of their superiors, which might affect their promotion and appraisal possibility end of the year! Remember you work for the company’s growth, and not for your personal growth, and you HAVE TO PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN when you think your boss is wrong. You boss is NO GOD, and he is a simple human being who can err, do mistakes and make blunders as any other person.

Remember Akbar loved Birbal, because he was the only man who always rebelled and was honestly concerned about the welfare of the kingdom. And also Chandragupta Maurya admired Chanakya for his originality…and for your information the punishment in those days to rebel against the King was BEHEADING!

Posted by Kenni at 04:22 AM | Comments (7)

CORPORATE GYAAN 4 - Karmane vaadhikarastye ma phaleshu kadachana in Corporate Culture

It was the battlefield of Kurukshetra, and King Arjuna had dropped his weapons out of mere confusion about how fighting against his own relatives and loved ones could get justified! Lord Krishna came to his rescue and preached him about ‘Karma’, meaning duty mostly confused with work in the modern scenario, and thus the Holy book Bhagwadgeeta came into existence. But I am sure Lord Krishna was completely unaware of the fact that his golden words ‘Karmane Vaadhikarastye Ma Phaleshu Kadachana’ will be applied to Corporate Culture in the 21st Century!

Do your duty, and don’t expect the result…seems to be the mantra of most bosses and the HR today. They tend to load the employees with unplanned work and are proud enough to give them the most unacceptable deadlines. And when it comes to asking for a promotion or a pay hike..they are ready with what Lord Krishna had to say ‘Karmane……..

Spending more time at office is mostly misunderstood with hard work. In my experience I have witnessed only 3 kinds of people who work late hours or on holidays…

1) People who hate to go home, as their domestic life sucks
2) People who are unmarried, and have nothing to do at home
3) And people who have a love fling in the office itself.

Always remember you are employed, and you are paid only for 8 hours of your daily time, and anything above that has to be considered a crime!

And what Lord Krishna exactly meant about Karma is duty and the role you take up on a single day. You should do your duty as a son/daughter, you should do your duty as a nice husband, you should do your duty as a nice parent, you should do your duty as a good citizen, and you should do your duty as a good worshipper without expecting any returns!

Just being a good Manager at work and compromising on other roles you have to play on a single day surely makes you an unworthy soul or I should say an ass****!

Posted by Kenni at 04:21 AM | Comments (10)

CORPORATE GYAAN 3 – Reach your office fully loaded!

Beg, borrow, steal or swipe your credit card…but get yourself some latest wardrobe (which has a prominent label on it of a POPULAR BRAND), a huge pair of shoes (it is ok if is too loose for your feet, but it should look worth few grands for sure), and a tiny mobile phone (the only thing on the planet, which a MAN feels - the smaller the better).

Your outlook and the way you carry yourself are the only things, which will gain you bonus points at work. People usually don't care about the stuff you carry inside your skull, which anyway is not visible.

Few tips to gain respect from seniors, colleagues, boss and people above them….

*Always keep a stern face, and do not smile at anyone.

Smiling at people will reduce your chances of being a good manager, and also none will take you seriously if you keep wishing people around you.

*Move around the office at a fast pace, and act as if you are in middle of something very important.

See to it that there are enough people looking at you when you do this, particularly your boss and super boss. Moving fast when no one around will only drain your energy, and make you feel STUPID.

*Reach the office fully loaded, laptop hanging from one shoulder and your lunch bag on other. Don’t keep your hands free. Carry few newspapers, and also magazines, whether they are old or new doesn’t matter. You can always say you do detailed reading. And last but not the least don’t forget to carry the Company Diary, but see to it that the diary is of the latest company you are working for!

Whether you use the stuff, except for your lunch box, which you carry is immaterial. Carrying them itself is a good exercise to keep you in shape.

NOTE – Any resemblance to people living or dead is INTENTIONAL.

Posted by Kenni at 04:19 AM | Comments (10)

CORPORATE GYAAN 2 - How to disturb people with your mobile phones at office!

Burn your pocket, invest on the latest mobile in the market, pull your socks up and enjoy the attention you can gather by playing few stunts in the office with your sleek small one. It is ok, if you realize later that the amount you paid for the mobile is huge. You can always skip your breakfast to compensate on that, and tell people you are on a diet if they notice your weight loss.

Few tips to make a BIG impression with your TINY one…

*Buy an impressive pouch for your mobile and attach it to your belt, and see to it that the body of the mobile is visible enough for onlookers (if the pouch covers the phone completely, there is no point you paid through your nose to buy this talking device)

*Download some latest ring tones …it could be of a latest movie or some funny tunes people aren’t aware of. There are lots you can do with your ring tones to disturb people and snatch their attention. You definitely will enjoy the 5-minute fame that your ring tone gets you. (Keep changing the ring tones every week to get people’s attention who otherwise deny your presence)

*Don’t ever keep your mobile phones on vibration mode. Remember it isn’t a vibrator! Keep the volume to the maximum, and whenever you get a phone call don’t pick it up until and unless you let go 3 rings. See to it that 4 or 5 people give you a stare or at least look at you with helplessness asking you with despair to pick up the phone soon.

*Another interesting stunt you can try once in 3 months is leaving your mobile phone unattended at your desk. Take my word that there will at least one jobless friend of yours who will love to play a prank by hiding your mobile phone. Don’t get disappointed if none hides it, 2 or 3 attempts, you surely can tempt someone to flick it. Once flicked, become panicky, inquire everyone about your mobile phone, call yourself through landline, and keep everyone busy for the next 15 minutes. By doing this you can at least get the attention of 10 people around you, and you will have immense satisfaction that you disturbed enough people and had a wonderful time when you didn’t have enough work on hand!

Posted by Kenni at 04:16 AM | Comments (5)

CORPORATE GYAAN 1 - Be good to your boss for faster growth!

Your educational qualification can get you through the written test. Your communication skill can get you through the interview. And once you are on a job, the only thing that will take you ahead is your relationship with your boss.

If you are good to your boss..

*You will be promoted at regular intervals
*You will get 2 salary hikes a year…one before appraisal and one after it
*If your boss quits the organization, he will try to take you along with him

If you are bad to your boss..

*You will be called to a cabin every month for an assurance that you are a burden to the company, and that the BIG boss is not happy with you at all. (You will never know whether the BIG boss even knows your name)
*How could you get a promotion, when the organization thinks your work is not to their expectations?
*You will get the much awaited salary hike and if crosschecked, you will only be disappointed to know that you got the LEAST hike!
*Your boss will never take you with him even for an office party…

The choice is yours, whether you need to be original and retire with a designation you joined with, or you need to compromise on your self respect and climb the Corporate ladder FAST!!!

Posted by Kenni at 04:15 AM | Comments (10)

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